i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
