I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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