I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
