im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No subtext here. People are naked.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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