Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
