His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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