mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is wine microwaveable?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
