not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
