i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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