Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
