My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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