You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
