shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
