Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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