...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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