I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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