haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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