Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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