just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im holly from the hills drunk
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
