my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
