god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
