Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
