At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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