I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
