you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
