I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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