Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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