I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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