I should be sponsored by Trojan
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
