My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
