areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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