we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I love you.
Bad choice
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