I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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