last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
