New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Also, beer. Big fan.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
