dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
