is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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