im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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