i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
