What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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