At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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