I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
