I want to walk on stilts...naked
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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