I am in a vortex of obligation.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
