my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
