So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
