I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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