I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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