Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
