im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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