No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
