I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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