Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
