I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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