I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
