Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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