he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
