I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
