That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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