Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
